Jul 29 2011

Fish Tank Bar Table

Fish Tank Bar Table

Eastern Exposure

A Million Little Fibers

A Story by Jack Arksey.



Tokyo is to date the most mental place I’ve ever been. Neon lights, loud music, general cheering, and the smell of food. An assault on the senses you could say! We’ve only been here a couple of days but I’m over jet lag already and feel at home here. We managed to reach our first hostel in good time after a relatively ok flight, relatively because Mike spent 12 hours feeling like crap ending in a nosebleed and sickness into a bag (with only a small amount getting on me). The first hostel was quite homely and the guy was really eager to help us figure everything out. We were absolutely knackered on the first day, but we managed to stay up late and shake off the jet lag. We ended up going to Shibuya, a trendy area where the young people hang out; a couple of floors of neon line every street and we somehow stumbled across the massive road crossing from the start of Lost in Translation. After an hour or so we went on to Shinjuku, the skyscraper district where we pretty much wandered around in a daze playing on arcade games, Mario Kart and the drumming games took most of our Yen. Then we went for a ‘large’ beer, which ended up being the size of a wine bottle and was 5%, needless to say the weary travellers ended up pissed as farts. We all fell asleep on the way home on the subway, but its so safe and friendly here we weren’t bothered at all. Everyone here seems to either pretend to be asleep or is so engrossed in their hi-tech phone they just sit in silence. I love it! Another thing of note is that we seem to just walk around constantly jizzing in our pants due to the prettiest girls I’ve ever seen all over the place. They are literally all gorgeous! This was especially true in the Red Light District which we inadvertently wandered into…


‘I need to buy a watch’

Today we checked out of our hostel in Tawaramachi on our way to next residence, although as it turned out I had accidentally booked a hotel at the other side of Tokyo which was the ‘sister hotel’ to the one intended in Ikebukuro, whoops! In a tired and sweaty move we booked ourselves into a lovely private room for a few extra Yen. We went on a tour of central Tokyo, visiting all the same spots as last night as well as Harajuku which we described as ‘perv paradise’ because of the abundance of gorgeous Japanese girls dressed like anime characters, its almost too much for a young man to stand. We came back to the hotel for a nice shower and a Thomas Crapper, BUT! Shock horror, our little bum squirter was out of order. The day is ruined. Later me and Mike enjoyed strutting around in our complimentary kimonos trying to persuade Al that we really should just service each other sexually to save time…it hasn’t worked yet, but I think she’s cracking. Speaking of which, eggman is having a ball, he loved the views from the government building earlier.

Well the night at the strip club we were all so excited about never materialised, we ended up going to Ebisu for a quiet drink and some traditional Japanese Tapas(?) After an unusual omelette and battered shrimp, still in their shell and with their delicious heads still attached, we got the subway to Roppongi. This is Tokyo’s most Western district where you get constantly hustled by black men telling you that their bar is ‘just a normal bar’, God knows what they assumed I thought they were trying to sell me. We eventually stumbled across a bar and had a few ¥700 beers and perused a leaflet of strippers with a price tag assigned to each. On the way home, slightly tipsy, we stopped at some amusements and played our favourite drumming game, which we lost miserably (I secretly blame Al). In a fit of sexual frustration me and Mike bought a porno magazine called Runa, the cover made it look like the best thing ever but all that awaited us inside was a sexy cartoon (censored) and some photos of women covered in semen. We were not happy. And to make things worse our plan to go to the infamous fish market goes down the drain when we awake at one in the afternoon.


‘Where’s my good pen?’

After waking up at the ridiculous hour of 1pm we left our room after a ‘conversation’ with the maid which literally made no sense whatsoever, I’m the first to admit that my Japanese could do with some improvement but she was talking nonsense and I’ll be f***ed if I could work out her gesticulations! We took the subway to the Imperial Palace which turned out to just be a gate, and beyond that is a remake of the original palace which was destroyed during WW2. Awkward… After a couple of hours in the business district of Tokyo we headed back to Harajuku to see a temple. This move was mainly to appease ‘Negative Nancy’ who had a build up of sand in her fanny which could only be vexed by some culture. Over a spot of dinner (Spanish) we enjoyed the view of Harajuku and recount that Al had told us that the night before that she would rub her ‘twat’ in our faces for a mere £250 each (what a slut). We ended up staying for a few beers then headed back to hotel after the compulsory perv on every girl who walked past. Must try not to bark at them. Once we’d made it back to the hotel, we sat out for a while eating the weird snacks from Familymart and having a fag. The Japanese guy I got a light from gave me his lighter and said ‘Present!’, which was either a lovely gesture or he just wanted me to leave him alone. Fish market tomorrow, maybe.



Today we left Tokyo for the Onsens about an hours train journey away. Its much less vibrant than Tokyo, but people actually talk to each other here. Throwing the budget out of the window we decided to stay in a traditional Japanese hotel. ¥4000 each, ouch. After a bit of lunch (Italian) we went for a stroll, not really my kind of place, the main attraction is the hot springs. When I considered how naked you have to be to use the Onsens, I started to have second thoughts, but in the lovely temperature I decided to stop being a baby and just do it. My only hesitation was if I became cold and my cock shrivelled away. Little did I realise that it wasn’t the temperature which would ruin my Onsen experience, it was nerves! Ready to take the plunge (and after a trial run in getting naked in the bathroom beforehand) I dropped my shorts only to reveal that in-between my prior shower and now someone had swapped my todger for a small prawn. This was when the sweating began. My previously confident attitude toward the whole event was shot out of the sky like a partridge. Feeling dizzy with anxiety I quickly wrapped my towel around my waist to cover my ever diminishing penis, and explained to Mike, who was happily relaxing, that I was a chicken and must leave before I died. Even now, 20 minutes later, I am still sweating profusely and annoyed. Perhaps I’m doomed to never enjoy the beautiful outdoor naturally heated pools. Damn it! I considered briefly chopping off my manhood and having done with it. Perhaps I’ll run a bath and pretend. What a terrible day, ruined by my crippling lack of confidence and mysterious disappearance of my spine. Doomed to spend the rest of the trip wishing I’d done it but always knowing that I just couldn’t, a horrible feeling I haven’t had in years. I HATE ONSENS, and Ellie. Almost forgot to mention the fish market! It was definitely worth getting up at 4.50am for. It was the busiest thing I’ve ever seen, and after managing to find it after some spurious directions from an old American guy we entered through the tradesman’s; which was a bad idea really. Hundreds of small three wheeled carts darted in and out of the larger lorries; and 10 foot high stacks of polystyrene boxes were piled everywhere whilst tough looking Japanese fishermen looked at us, wandering around skittishly, with disdain. We finally entered the covered market and were met with thousands of people running around almost being run over by the carts. Others were busy filleting enormous tunas or grabbing handfuls of live prawns and dumping them in tanks (fish tanks, not, like, army tanks. That would just be ridiculous). We all wandered sheepishly at first, but it soon became clear that the key to survival was confident movement, so we got our fill of fresh fish and I made a few bad puns about weighing the fish with scales and so on, it was a bit embarrassing for all concerned. After the market we all went to Jonathans for a traditional Japanese breakfast, pancakes and maple syrup.

‘Nice Purse Man!’

At around 6:00pm we all fell asleep in the room, occasionally waking up cold due to us taking advantage of the air-conditioning and keeping the room at 16ºC. We woke up at 10:00pm and headed over the 7/11 for some dinner, ham sandwiches and pizza crisps (horrible) and some overwhelmingly cinnamonny cookies. Urgh. Mike and Al headed back to the Onsen at around 11:30pm, leaving me to the horrors of American Psycho which is becoming increasingly disturbing. Patrick Bateman has just beat Bethany’s jaw off with her own arm which he sawed off her while she was still alive. Cripes!


‘Where’s the Air-Con?’

After initially hating the Onsens more than rape, I came round to the idea, and at 1:00am I crept out and got my fill of naked bathing, which was nice… The quickest checkout known to man ensued the next day after we woke up at 9:56am and had to be out by 10:00am. Apologies if this isn’t making much sense, we stumbled across a cocktail bar and stayed for a few. Anyway, we took the Bullet Train to Odawara and from there we went on to Nagoya to watch some Sumo wrestling and to see the cormorant fishing on the Nagara River. After a hilarious taxi ride to our hotel, hilarious because the taxi driver seemed to feel some kind of bond with us and proceeded to lead us through a maze of corridors to a reception desk and then practically checked us in! what a beast! We obviously looked like we needed help. We paid for a nights stay and in a ‘Japanese style’ room which subsequently turned out to be a shithole. On the moment we arrived we vowed to never stay here again, and to steal the free kimonos. We spent most of the day walking around Nagoya in the general direction of the castle, again we found out it was a remake due to us bombing it in 1945, and not only that but it was closed. Ah well, we only walked four miles to get there. And so, on the verge of complete emotional and mental collapse we trudged back to town in search of Heavens Gate supposedly the best bar in Nagoya. However, as is customary we haven’t a clue how to get there. Feeling confident I approached a couple, mainly because the girl was quite a hotty. ‘Sumimasen’ I said, pointing at a Japanese translation of said bar. Nonplussed the couple shouted to another woman who came to assist. Our bad day took a miraculous turn at this point, when we realise that this woman has a great pair of boobs, both of them were lovely! Not only this, but she was so preoccupied in the map I handed her she has no idea that me and Mike are staring at her cleavage, remarking how fantastic it was by quietly saying ‘Chebbathon!’. A few minutes passed and eventually they gave us directions we knew to be completely wrong, but we smiled politely and said ‘Aregato’ and blindly go forth. Luckily for us we were so desperate for a drink we stopped at the next inexpensive place, we spotted a small sign at the side of the street which told us that the ‘Devil Bar’ was on the second floor of this building, and at ¥500 a beer we were straight up there! Our initial excitement quickly faded when we saw the entrance to the bar, an innocuous brown door with a paper sign reading ‘Devil Bar Open’. We hid our wallets and cautiously entered. Unexpectedly a cheer rang out as we were welcomed to the bar, which was about 10 foot deep by 20 feet long, tiny! Undettered we sat down and looked through the menu. Three hours later and a few thousand Yen down we had enjoyed a series of cocktails, starting with a Singapore Sling, then a Daiquiri, and finishing off with a margarita. The guys at the bar were really nice and we ended up laughing over Runa and the porno playing cards I bought from a nick-nack shop in scarborough! Thoroughly pissed we left the bar to a cheer of ‘Adios!’ and went in search of our hotel (and some noodles). By 11:00pm we found ourselves in our piece of crap room (a mere eight mats) getting ready for bed, then I decide to write about my day, so that’s about it.


‘Bag of Beans?’

Fantastic news! A new record time was set this morning for checking out of a hotel. After setting the alarm for 9:30am we awoke at 10:00am on the dot. Alex, in sleep mode tried to convince us that we should stay for one more night, a mere ¥4000, I don’t think so! We rushed out of the hotel and managed to convince them to let us keep our bags there while we went to Gifu. After a three hour train journey. No! That’s just not true, but we were on a train for a bit. Well we managed to trek to our hotel after a… Am I pissed? This isn’t going well. Basically we got a place to stay then walked at least an hour to go to a castle on top of a mountain, another remake, although at least it wasn’t us this time! After that we found the place where the cormorant fishing was then went for dinner (Chinese). The fishing was a definite highlight, especially due to the three beautiful Japanese girls sitting next to us on the boat. After an initial ice breaker using the phrasebook we were away, or should I say Mike was away! In this scenario I was the cormorant catching the fish with hilarious phrases like ‘Fune ni yoimashita’ (I feel sea sick). And mike was the master reaping the rewards, what a team!

Incidentally they say Virgoans are much better suited to being subordinates than leaders. Where was I? So, yes, the fishing was quite a spectacle and well worth the trip out here to the supposedly ‘extreme rural’ Japan as the guy in Tokyo told us (Bullshit). We went for a beer afterwards and some very friendly and helpful people negotiated a taxi for us. We’re still paying Tokyo prices, but we needed a drink! Back to stinky Nagoya tomorrow, I hope the Sumo is fun.


‘Penfriend, Penicillin, Penknife, Where’s Penis?’

Success! I awoke a good thirty minutes before I had to! I managed to spend a lovely night in a room all to myself, with all the liberties that come with it, I’ll leave that to your imagination. Much to our disappointment we left Gifu this morning and returned to stinky Nagoya and our very stinky room at Aichi-ken Seinen-kaiken youth. After a fairly poor start to the day looking for banks and napping in the room, waiting for the opportune moment to go to the Sumo. We eventually left and got a taxi to bound for Nagoya Castle which is near to the stadium. And so, with ¥4000 tickets in hand we approached the venue. A little bit of asking around in clumsy Japanese and wild arm waving was all it took for us to be led to our seats in the heaving gymnasium. There was a fantastic atmosphere, and we were soon enjoying the traditional Japanese sport, admittedly a little befuddled, but happy nonetheless. Despite our initial optimism for eventually understanding the noble sport and willingness (perhaps even eagerness) to sit through the whole tournament, we were soon told that the organisers were sorry it was such a crush, but that they hoped to see us next year…WHAT?! As it turned out we had made a somewhat foolish assumption. Believing the tournament came to its climax at 8:15pm we duly arrived at 6:00pm in bags of time to find our seats and take in the whole spectacle. Unfortunately it turned out that it kicked off at 8:15am and we had spent a good bit of hard earned dosh to see little over five minutes of Sumo. So, with our tails between our legs we hobbled back to town looking desperately to drown our sorrows. Darkness engulfed me, and when I eventually came to I was weeping, squatting in the street on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown, cursing Nagoya and again vowing to never return to this stinky place. Without a map or phrasebook we truly were suicidal, or should I say, willing to kamikaze into the nearest Familymart. However, that was all about to change. As it turned out the curb we were sitting on was within spitting distance of the critically acclaimed Devil Bar, and we soon came to the conclusion that Daiquiri’s were the best way forward. At 7:00pm on the dot (opening time) we charged in much to the surprise of Derek (or Derekisumanchu?) who was still preparing for the nights festivities. A few delicious cocktails later (Daiquiri, Cuba Libre) and some Devil Bar memorabilia, (even a bloody mug!) we went in search of food. Again we chose somewhere visible from the curb of sorrow, and much to our delight it was fantastic! A traditional Japanese eatery where you must take your shoes off and step up onto a raised area before plopping yourself elegantly into a sunken dining table. The staff were so helpful, and even sourced a food magazine to help us choose. Al, being a vegetarian, was told she could have a salad, done! The only problems we encountered was how best to eat chicken wings with chopsticks and how to choke down Oonagi. Fishy… Feeling good about ourselves we headed ‘home’ and the night was only further improved by asking some girls what time it was and being met by excited squealing, presumably because they had helped a ‘Gai-jin’ or as I prefer to be called ‘round eye.’ And so, yet again, I find myself in this smelly little eight mat room having to make my own bed up and use a bean bag as a pillow, writing about the days events.


‘This is Not an Exit’

As far as I can tell I’ve had another fantastic day. The constant moving is, however, taking its toll. It took me a good couple of real minutes to figure out where I woke up and where I am now. I concluded that I woke up at 9:30am in Nagoya and have made it as far as Nara, the old capital. The general consensus was that we should get out of Nagoya as soon as possible, so we hopped on the trusty JR Shinkansen Line and bullet trained our way to Nara. Today has been the hottest day we’ve experienced so far, and in need of some kind of sustenance to get us to the hotel we made a brief stop at Mister Doughnut. After exceeding our annual sugar allowance in 3 delicious doughnuts and some green Fanta (Urgh), we decided it was best to hop in a taxi, you know, just to get our bearings. Upon arrival at the chosen hotel we were greeted by a lovely woman who was all too eager to help us discover Nara. Two minutes later, and shoes off, we went to our room, and Christ! What a room! Enormous! And with two f**king air-conditioners! ¥2600, you cant go wrong (apart from the communal bath, bad Onsen memories creeping up on me). Bags down, flip flops on, and with a spring in our steps we hired some bicycles out for the day from the hotel and pedalled our way down to the park. After a leisurely cycle we arrived at our destination drenched in sweat and begging for mercy from the mid-day sun, we received none. But, what we did receive was a lovely day of stroking deer in the park, visiting shrines, and encountering the largest Buddha I’ve ever seen. The whole deer thing was fantastic, if a little strange. They were just so used to people you could just walk up to them take their picture and stroke their heads…and anus. Having received enough sun stroke for one day we headed to town for some grub. We spent a good twenty minutes looking for the right place, admittedly stopping for air hockey and Time Crisis, and eventually came across an underground traditional Japanese restaurant with an open fish tank in the middle where you net your own dinner! This, so far, was probably my favourite eatery we’ve come across. I went for their version of Okinomiyake followed by a pizza of sorts. The topping was in a separate dish and was served with small pieces of garlic bread. (and of course a Kirin beer). Wanting to make it back for bathing time we left for home and were all ready for bed at 9:30pm, well its actually 9:28 right now, so, yeah. Back to the epic tale of Jonathan Livingston Seagull.


‘When Did You Last Shower? Gifu?!’

Well heck, today has been a bit of a nothing day. The overnight stay in Koyasan, taking the mountain train and eating vegetarian food with the local monks, turned out to be a bit of a damp squib. The journey began and ended in the Naraken Seisyonen Kaikan Youth Hostel. We awoke early to get a head start on the day so we could fill our hungry brain bellies with as much culture and shit as we could. The hippy mother that we followed home last night (to our hostel; that was starting to sound sinister) happened to be leaving at the same time as us so we duly followed her again. It’s a good job someone knows their way around this place! A couple of miles later and we reached the train station, where we found that we had a 45 minute wait. So we did what any other fit, young, healthy, veteran travellers would do… we had yet another Mister Doughnut binge, and polished off a couple more glazed beauties. It was during this eating frenzy that I realised that I’d let my personal hygiene slip somewhat and decided to purchase a clean T-shirt from the nearest 7/11. It was this decision that I can both celebrate and blame for making and ruining my day. Obviously not smelling like a fat old woman’s vagina after a pilates class was a good thing, BUT. Whilst changing in the toilet cubicle I thought ‘hey? Why not go for a number two.’ A decision I had made entirely because of the functioning bottom sprayer and heated, self lowering, toilet seat. First things first, lower the seat. Fantastic! Futuristic! Next, drop trou’ and sit down. Lovely, so warm! I’m ahead of myself now, thinking ‘wow, I can hardly wait for this unusual sensation and a glimpse into the robotic world! Alas! There is one huge flaw in my ingenious plan! I don’t actually appear to need the toilet at all! I thought about just pressing the button for the bottom anyway but considered it a little too homoerotic for my own good. Feeling sheepish, I returned to the dining area and said nothing of my foible. Full of sugar and sitting on the train for the three hour journey, I mostly thought about the dreams I’ve been having recently, again chased by a zombie horde or at least preparing for their imminent arrival. I mostly find myself being turfed out of a good safe spot or finding that the only place to hide costs £68000 (or 9.46784661 Million Yen). I also briefly considered how many small children I could crush into my backpack, about three. Anyway, we arrived in Koyasan and took a confusing bus to the only hostel in the damn town that didn’t cost ¥10000. It was upon our arrival that a strange thing happened. Al rang the doorbell (shamefully neither me nor Mike dared.) and a minute later a funny little man poked his head through a small window and just stared at us for a good couple of minutes, during which time, we giggled nervously until he finally came out. The chap, drunk, tired, and a tad reminiscent of ‘Flaky Robinson’ my old maths teacher, shuffled out of the door with a blank look on his face. Much deliberation proved that this was indeed our hostel, so we agreed a price and were told to check in after 4:00pm. Images of Deliverance flashed through my head and I pictured myself being dissolved in a bathtub full of lime while ‘Flaky Robinson’ looked on, bottle of sake in hand, wearing Al’s scalp as a hat. Koyasan itself turned out to be a nice place, but was perhaps a little boring. The most impressive thing I saw was a large tree stump. Admittedly the biggest I’ve ever seen. A bit more walking around and taking photos was enough to tell us that we weren’t actually all that interested. So we made the decision to head back to the hostel… in Nara. The only things of note that happened after this was an enormous bee landing on my arm (it was about half the size of my little finger, quite large as they go.) and a very helpful and articulate Japanese school girl told us that we were going the wrong way on the train. Whoopsy daisy! At 8:00pm we realised that check-in at the hostel stopped at 6:00pm so we quickly made our way back, via KFC and McDonalds naturally, and begged to be allowed to stay. Which we currently are. Both Al and Mike are reading peacefully in bed, I think I’ll join them. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas seems like it’s going to be a good read.


‘Down Here, on the Left’

As far as I’m concerned I’m drunk. Who knows where this diary entry is going to go. I suppose I should start at the beginning. This writing is coming from a delicious business hotel in downtown Kyoto and we woke up in Nara. We spent plenty to get here and upon arrival we were greeted with the start of an enormous festival. We checked into our hotel and began a short walk through the streets of the cultural capital of Japan, although we quickly became weary and and returned to the hotel for a quick three hour nap followed by the most expensive haircut of my short little life so far. ¥4200! Luckily for me I didn’t care and soon found myself relaxing in a big chair having my hair washed for the third time that day. The cut was thoroughly enjoyable and I watched with anticipation as the locks were lopped off with surgical accuracy. I really am quite squiffy at this point. The rest of our day/night was spent wandering around the festival taking in the sounds and smells, not to mention the sights of the annual event. I was soon struck by the fact that most young women were wearing kimonos and I was extremely happy about this because they all looked so darn sexy. Most of the ladies wore their hair up and for a man who like his necks it was paradise! During the festival we did partake in a few Kirin’s which I blame for my lack of basic motor skills etc. after a few hours of thorough enjoyment we returned to our hotel and sat outside watching the world go by whilst supping back on ‘grandpa’s old cough medicine’. The night seems to be over and I shall retire to bed for a few hours before some more festival tomorrow. No! Wait! I have left out some vital information. Today has left me spiritually fulfilled. When we got to our room today I was in desperate need of a shower but I noticed that the toilet, which occupied the same room as aforementioned shower, yielded a powerful device, one which would end life as we know it. Before me I was confronted with a wonderful bottom squirting device. Being of a conservative disposition I found myself asking Mike to test the thing out. One press of a button was all it took to have to sprinkler system activate and in a couple of seconds a jet of warm water was whizzing upwards desperately seeking out a ring piece to service. The water was expertly contained by a small cup we found in the bathroom, held by the brave soul Mike Kirk. It was at this point that we became far too comfortable with the sinister character, we next demanded the ‘B-Day’ service. Just as before the timid little fellow appeared from beneath the rim of the toilet ready to fulfil our every wish. But! This time a different and very suspicious looking nozzle appeared and this time he sprayed left and right, and every which way until Mr. Michael Kirk was sufficiently wet and had bog water in his mouth! (of all places!) We all fell about laughing and two of us even wet our pants with urine. It was after this debarcle that I used the unpredictable device on my very own bottom and was pleased to find it warm and pleasant. Right, that is definitely enough now. I’m going to go and lie down in my kimono.


‘Are you Magda?’

Wowee! What a fantastic day I’ve had! After a nice long sleep we emerged from our pits just in time to catch the tail end of the parade. To be honest the most fun was to be had last night so we didn’t really give a shit. One dry slice of marble cake and a nice cold OJ was all it took to get us on our way to the Kyoto Botanical Gardens. We decided that we must stop for further nourishment so we shuffled into a fancy French eatery wearing decidedly scruffy vestments. After a perfect spicy chicken club sandwich and chips we hopped across the road and into the gardens. ¥200, bargain. The plants were beautiful and in the distance we spied an enormous green-house. This is where the day got pretty crazy. As we approached I noticed a group of three westerners. At a second glance I had a sudden pang of recognition. Who is that? Oh…my…god! If that’s who I think it is my life has just been knocked up a notch. ‘Surely not,’ I thought. Why would she be here? In the Kyoto Botanical Gardens? I was almost trying to convince myself that it wasn’t her. After a bit of a dilemma I thought, ‘to hell with it’, ‘why not ask!’ I strode over with confidence and excitement. Then realised I had to pay to get into the green house bit, so went back and did that, only faltering slightly under the pressure of the occasion. I approached her as she took a photo of a flower which looked suspiciously like a vagina. ‘Excuse me’, I said. She turned around surprised and confused. ‘You look really familiar to me.’ Blank expression. ‘Really?’ she replied. ‘I don’t suppose you do any DJ’ing do you?’ I asked. ‘Yes, she said with a knowing smile. ‘Are you Magda?!’, ‘Yes I am.’ Holy crap! I tried to contain my excitement but when you meet your most very favourite DJ ever you just can’t. I gushed over how much I love her music and that I’d really like a photo. She politely obliged and we talked about how utterly random this situation was and asked what I was up to in Japan. What a great person. It turned out that they were all DJ’s and were playing in Kobe that very night. Slightly starstruck I didn’t want to bother her anymore so I floated away in a world of my own. But then! Two minutes later she came  back and said ‘I’m playing in Tokyo on Saturday, do you want me to put you all on the guest list?’ I literally almost died. She took out a scrap of paper which I quickly jotted our names on and gave her it back. And so we are going back to Tokyo tomorrow to see her at Womb nightclub! What the f**k! I can’t wait to tell Joe and Martin! Ha ha ha! I love Japan! Oh yeah, had dinner, went to bed.

Q.‘What’s the ¥350 for?’ A.‘Charge’


‘We’re with Magda’

Well, what a hectic few days. Haven’t really had chance to write. First things first, Magda. Wow! We expediently scooted back to Tokyo to get to Womb for the set, booked into the coffin style hotel, which wasn’t actually that bad, and made our way to Shibuya. After a bit of wandering (or wondering as Mike might say) we found the entrance. To save cash I’d decided it was best to get pissed prior to the event, and so, full of gusto, I charged forward claiming ‘guestlist.’  I began panicking when we had to wait in the queue with all the shitmunchers. We got to the desk, sweating profusely and fully prepared to for out ¥4000 for the ticket. After we explained who we were, we were quickly ushered in. She’d only gone and bloody done it! Ha ha! See you later suckers! As we got to the bar a familiar face appeared. ‘Oh you guys made it!’ Magda was there telling me that she was pleased we were there! I almost jazzed all over her. We had a short chat, bid farewell, and waited for 2:00am when she started. The club was good, the music was good and we met a couple of American guys who approached every girl in sight and exclaimed ‘Konnichiwa!’, and ‘I love your hat!’. We quickly left them behind and moved over to the dance floor. We were right at the front when Magda started which was just great, but then! We saw the girl we had met in Kyoto along with Magda, soon enough she got us backstage and gave us free sake! Five hours of solid dancing later Mike and Al went to the air-conditioned VIP lounge while I popped up behind the decks, two feet away from the headlining DJ (aka Magda M_nus, aka my best mate!) with the huge crowd cheering and dancing in front of us while green lasers strafed the room. Epic! I was absolutely battered, clinking glasses of sake with Bjorks doppelganger, whilst Mike was busy pretending to be a somebody and was being escorted around the club, down back stairs and by torchlight through crowds of people. In a semi-deluded and highly intoxicated state I convinced myself that the guys had ditched me and so I planned on asking Magda if I could crash at her place. Thank f**k Mike and Al came back before I tried to pitch that one! After a free subway home (because Mike was still being a VIP) we sunk into our beds and waited for the inevitable hang-over. So anyway that was a couple of nights ago now, I’m currently in Bangkok on the Khao San Road. It seems like a really cool place except for the drones of arseholes-Americans mostly, but I do hate the Irish with a passion. Last night was wild, we arrived in Thailand and were immediately met by hustlers and humid heat in central Bangkok. Walking around with 65 litres on your back looking for a hostel is somewhat stressful. We soon settled in though- Al quickly ordered a tower of beer from a bar and we sat down and got pissed again. We booked into ‘Mom’s Guesthouse’ next door to the bar and decided to get a Thai massage, where I was so sweaty I felt true sorrow for the poor lady giving me it. Al stripped off her clothes only to be told that that wasn’t the done thing. Half an hour later, we had been elbowed to death, but felt good for it, kind of. Time for some two-for-one cocktails. Eight very strong drinks later we were suitably ham diggled and made the decision to catch a ping-pong show. Seedy men are constantly asking you if you want to see one down the Khao San Road, it wasn’t difficult to find someone willing to take us to the right district. After a good bit of bartering we were on our way through dark alleys towards his ‘taxi’- an unmarked car, supposedly a big no-no! With nervous looks all round we hopped in and the weird little man’s car and he drove us to Pat Pong laughing maniacally the whole way. We arrived in the Red-Light District which didn’t help our nerves very much. Instead of being greeted by a popular tourist attraction, we actually were met with a quiet back street with tuk tuk drivers sitting around eerily quiet staring at us as we passed. We were led to a doorway and prepared ourselves to lose all our money, and maybe a finger or two too. Two guys sitting at a desk took our ฿500 (we would have literally paid anything) and entered the club. Instantly a wall of loud music, smoke, and sweaty heat hit us, and as our eyes adjusted we saw two naked Thai girls grinding against each other. ‘Hmm’ I thought ‘Maybe this could be fun.’ With our backs to the wall, but not touching the wall, we shuffled across the room to a dark corner like three scared little cockroaches. A woman approached us. ‘You want drink?!’ she shouted at us menacingly. We shook our heads. ‘It free!’ she said. We still declined. The lady showed us to our seats, on the front row as it happened, not bad if you fancied AIDS. The next hour of my life was one of the most bizarre and terrifying ones of my life. Razor blades were pulled out of places they had no business going, candles were blown out, even a blowpipe was used to burst floating balloons! What a talented group of young ladies. When I was looking at their faces, which I thought polite, they seemed so sad and just got on with it, just another day at the orifice. The full on sex show was the most soul destroying. With every lack luster thrust of the young guy a piece of him, her and me died a little inside. After we couldn’t tale anymore we all left having seen something we could never unsee. Despite the unnerving atmosphere we managed to get a tuk tuk back to Mom’s. It was during that ride home that I thought that my life had never been in so much jeopardy as it was in those few minutes. The driver was a maniac! We flew through the streets of Bangkok, past people, traffic and a half dead motorcyclist lying in the middle of the street with a very broken leg, not stopping for any of them. We made it back to the guesthouse in very good time and fortunately in one piece, and decided that we were drunk enough and tired enough to go to bed. What a hedonistic life this is. Jess and Ellie arrived the next day, today in fact! After an early start we trundled down to Nat’s Guesthouse to meet them. The group together at last made the arduous and wrought with peril journey to the Imperial Palace. According to a taxi driver it wasn’t open today, he did offer to take us somewhere else though. Get f**ked buddy! We walked to the palace and enjoyed it, loads of gold and other nice shit. Then went to see a massive Buddha who was unusually lying down, again huge and gold. Very good. We spent the rest of the day… oh wait! I almost forgot to say, Ellie had a swarm of pigeons cast on her by a crazy bird lady trying to sell seed. Ellie refused to purchase any and didn’t quite manage to escape the woman like us pro-travellers! It was hilarious, even though she was a little shaken. The first few hours of travelling and she’d already been bullied by an army of horrible beaky bastards. Where was I? Ah yes, spent the rest of the day on the Khao San Road eating and shopping and just generally shootin’ the breeze. (who says that?!) Cocktails soon I hope, when Ellie finally gets dressed. Slow bugger. There may be a pissed entry on the way!

‘Tuk Tuk? Suit? Thaaaiii Masssaaaaggeee?’


‘Brazilians and thongs are not mutually exclusive’



About the Author

well… im 23, i wasnt when i wrote this but believe me its taken until now to be able to afford the time it takes to write these things up! Im a complete beginner to writing for public consumption but I thought I’d give it a go seeing as though I enjoy it so much. (is this enough?)

New Lenox – Stunning Ranch with Custom Finished Basement

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